Mista-Mista

I sort of met Tina Fey at the Golden Globes last night. Here’s how it went down.

               In the days leading up to Sunday nights’ Golden Globes, which I attended because my girlfriend was Ms. Golden Globe, my loving mother bludgeoned me with the same piece of advice. She was very concerned about this one issue and the conversations we had usually went something like this… “For the love of God, please don’t get stinkin’ drunk and make a total ass out of yourself. I’m serious Richard, this isn’t a joke, don’t be an idiot. Drink lots of water and pace yourself. You know, you can pace yourself and still have a good time. You don’t have to get hammered. I really am serious Richard, don’t be a jackass.”

               If you had overheard this advice without knowing me (advice which I heard no less than a dozen times), you would probably conclude that I am a level-headed,  man of moderation; a grounded young man with a clean slate, who is constantly aware and who always does the right things. While I have had my less-than finer moments (as we all have had, right?… right.), I would say that I am a pretty responsible young man. I am smart enough to know, as a young actor fortunate enough to get to attend the Golden Globes, that it would be unimaginably stupid to get belligerent and make a fool of myself in front of all the people that could one day potentially control my career.

               All that aside, I did get drunk. Now, it wasn’t until after the award ceremony (actually it was towards the end of the ceremony. Sarah Michelle Gellar who is super nice and fun, was at my table and sort of leading the charge… plus they kept bringing over these huge bottles of Champagne… plus there wasn’t a whole lot to eat, just chocolate and cucumber finger sandwiches… plus I like to drink), and I wasn’t trashed but I was definitely buzzed. And based on what I have seen in those “buzzed driving is drunk driving” commercials, I can confidently confirm that I was drunk.

               As most people who have drank before (drank be-, drunk before… is it drunk before? What the hell is the past drink in this context?)

               As most people who have had drinks before can attest to, drinking gives you the confidence to do things that you might not do sober. At the after parties I attended, I did things like: congratulate Kelsey Grammar on best dramatic actor, dance a little bit too much, take shots with the kid from War Horse, and smack Charlize Theron on the butt… Ok, I didn’t spank Charlize or take shots with the War Horse kid, but if my mom is reading this, she might have passed out upon hearing that. Sorry mom! I love you!

               Anyway, to get to the point, once I started feeling more confident (drunker), I began to think that I could talk to anyone without my nerves getting in the way… This is what I thought…

               Now, my girlfriend, her two cats, and I just drove here to L.A. from New Orleans, and during the 32 hour drive we listened to the new audiobook Bossy Pants, by the hilarious and super-cool Tina Fey. It’s a really great book… and I needed to tell her that.

               I am not sure what time it was, but Rainey and I were leaving. We were walking out of the InStyle after party, and low and behold… guess who was walking in with her husband. This was my chance, but as we got closer, I got more nervous… Do I say something, or do I not say anything? Do I say something OR DO I NOT SAY ANYTHING?! OH SHIT SHE’S RIGHT HERE AND SHE’S ABOUT TO WALK PAST AND BE GONE FOREVER. THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE… DO I DO IT OR NOT!!?!?

               With my thoughts progressively getting louder and more aggressive, I decided at the last second, that yes, it was a good idea to say something. So, with the same aggression and loudness of my thoughts, from about 3 feet away, I yelled like a raspy bridge-troll “HEY! JUST READ BOSSY PANTS. IT IS GREAT.” It wasn’t until after she politely replied, “Thank you?” while looking at me as if I was running at her wearing nothing but a football helmet, and after I noticed that I had startled quite a few of the surrounding guests, including my girlfriend who waited a few seconds to start uncontrollably laughing at me, that I realized I maybe should have just held this one in, and saved it for later.

               Sorry mom, please forgive me… by the way, I am shipping home all this dirty laundry that’s piling up, including my tux from last night that needs to be dry-cleaned. I bet you’re excited to see the tux in person. Your dry cleaners can take out vomit stains, right? Can you just over-night it whenever you get a chance (actually, i need it no later than this weekend), I LOVE YOU!

Post-script:

For reference, here’s a still-shot that a buddy of mine texted me a few days later.

I’m the guy who isn’t Tilda Swinton, Rob Lowe, or Andie MacDowell… I’m the guy drinking.

As disappointed as I was to lose CP3, I just became that much more excited about the immediate future of my young New Orleans Hornets. It might not be as cool watching Paul throw alley-oops this season to Blake Griffin, but I am now thoroughly convinced we will be a top 6 seed in the always-stacked Western Conference. Here’s why:

Let’s start with the new guys.

Al-Farouq Aminu: I don’t know much about him other than that he is a young, raw, athletic, and very long swingman (6’9 with 7’2 wingspan). He can jump and board, and apparently has a decent outside game. Where I think he could be huge is with his effort. He runs the floor and plays great defense (he stays down in stance). I think he will come in off the bench and be able to contribute at a number of positions, in particular as a backup to Tevor Ariza.

Chris Kaman: A well rounded veteran center who, after initially success in his career followed by a two year slump (caused partially by injury), has had four consecutive stellar years (where he has averaged between 12-19 points, 7-13 rebounds and 1.2-2.8 blocks per game) He hustles, he works hard, and he is extremely well rounded. Since the Clippers acquired Griffin he has somewhat fallen out of the spotlight, but I  think the Hornets are a perfect fit for him. I believe he is set for great season as he rotates in with Emeka in the post (could very easily be the starter).

And of course, the icing on the oh-so dramatic trade cake… Eric Gordon: Eric is our new superstar. He is a young 2 guard who has gotten better in almost every statistical category since he entered the league three years ago (16.1-22.3 ppg, 2.8-4.4 assists, 1-1.3 steal, and has had at least one 40+ point game). He can shoot, he can pass, he creates opportunities for himself and others (he shoots off the dribble insanely well), he’s fearless, and he can fly. He goes hard and he works hard, but more than anything he is humble. He is a player that leads by example, can make the clutch shots, wants the ball in his hands when it matters, and lets his game talk for him. He has a bright future in this league and I am so happy he is on our team.

(Check out Eric highlights) 

Then we have our “old” guys, none of whom are over 30. Rounding out the starting lineup with Gordon will be Ariza, Carl Landry, Jarret Jack, and if Kaman doesn’t start, Emeka Okafor.

Ariza is a go hard guy as well. He is 6’8 and he can guard anyone we need him too. He is our Kobe stopper. He makes shots when they matter and he is fearless at the rim. Defense is his forte and he is apparently also known as “Mr. Energy” (just found that out).

(Check out Trevor highlights) 

Center Emeka Okafor is a selfless player who plays several inches bigger than he is (he’s 6’10). He is strong and physical and uses his strength better than almost anyone in the league. He is a defensive stopper in the post, humble as can be, and a total team player. It will be interesting to see how Monty Williams utilizes our two solid centers.

Jarrett Jack will be our point guard. PG is the position where we lack the most depth on our roster. Jack has been a backup of sorts for most of his professional career, but he is leader. He is smart, he is vocal, and he plays very hard. He is not THE most talented PG in the world, but he plays with a chip on his shoulder and has a toughness about him that is infectious. He makes very few mistakes (averaging fewer TO’s than CP for his career [1.3 to Chris’ 2.2]) and I think he is a great fit for point guard on this young developing team. It’ll be interesting to see if we bring in a back up to compete with him.

And finally there is Carl Landry whom we just resigned today (12/15/11). I love Carl Landry. He had to take a back seat to that pig David West last year and still had a great season (he was a big reason we took the Lakers to six in the playoffs last season). His is a great scorer, and although he has already averaged 18 points in a season once, I think this year will be a breakout year for him. He attacks the basket like no other and is as tough as nails. He is the kind of guy who thrives when he is playing someone who is supposed to be better than him. He works hard, he isn’t cocky but he is confident (I was hoping last year that he would be a little more confident), and he plays great team basketball. He is 6’9, which is slightly undersized for a power forward, but he plays SO big. He also brings his game to the next level when it matters. He is going to be fun to watch this year.

(Check out Carl highlights) 

Shooting guard Marco Belinelli was a starter for much of the year last year. He will see the floor a lot but I think will mostly be the primary backup this year for both Jack and Gordon. He is a great shooter, a slippery penetrator (hehe), and a great finisher. He is also the kind of guy who can explode for 30 on any given night. He is streaky and very fun to watch when he gets going. He’s only 25 and I like to compare to a young Ginobili (not just because they look related).

(Check out Marco highlights) 

That is the core of the team this year. But behind those guys, the dropoff is minimal. I think we have a great young bench. Quincy Pondexter and Pat Ewing Jr. are two guys who make up with effort what they lack in the skill department. They are both athletic guys who know they must bust their asses every day if they want to see the court, but who will make significant contributions when they get out there. Pondexter in particular had a good rookie season last year, and with the development of a nice corner three ball, is showing signs of a promising future. They both run the floor well and I think will provide solid depth to a young, defensive minded basketball team.

I don’t know much about the rest of the squad, but I know just from looking at the roster that we are really young. With Monty Williams as our coach, we can be certain that defense will come first. I think we will be able to match up with anyone, especially teams that rely heavily on their bigs. We will have a selfless team, who plays hard and who plays for each other. We have great scorers at the center position, strong forward position, and the shooting guard position, and have very few slouches, if any, in between. I think the games will be low scoring, but I think they will be fun to watch.

Hopefully attendance will be decent, but I predict that after football season, when Saints fans see that their basketball team is also winning, attendance will improve dramatically. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think I am… I hope I’m not. I guess we shall see.  Until then though, let’s go Saints (One thing at a time).

Basketball season again. It’s good to back, unless you are a Hornets fan. The CP3 Drama is getting absurd.

Out of habit I will always check the front page of espn.com anytime that I surf the web. Recently I have become more aware of the frequency in which I visit the site because each time the page loads I become slightly more annoyed than the last time I visited. In the last two or so weeks, without fail, a new headline about how the latest CP3 deal has fallen through is the very first thing to pop up on the home page, and above the caption is an in-game picture showing a pissed off/frustrated Chris Paul.

It has gotten to the point where I have to catch myself from being convinced that, while I am sure it is affecting him slightly, he is not necessarily reacting in real life the same way he being projected as reacting in those particular photos. He is a professional and he wants to play basketball. The lockout has kept him from doing what he loves most in the world, and I am sure he wants nothing more than to go out and play “competitively” (which is not at all the same as the dick around street-ball the superstars were playing in their “celebrity” games).

Of course he wants to go somewhere where he can win a championship, and he knows that isn’t going to happen in New Orleans… but he isn’t going to win one in December or January. And, lucky for him, he is one of the few players in NBA that I believe can be integrated into ANY team and instantly make an enormously significant impact. He is gifted with a skill set that enables him to fit in and play perfectly with anyone on any team… and I doubt the process would take more than a week. I am sure he knows this.

He is going to be traded. Obviously, as a Hornets fan that kind of sucks. He is arguably the greatest PG of this generation. But Dell Demps, the Hornets GM, isn’t stupid and (Sorry if this rant is sounding jumbled or has shitty grammar, I am in the lobby/restaurant of the hotel I am staying in and they are playing the loudest most annoying fucking xmas music of all time. I haven’t heard any of these songs before, they all suck [even the occasional “hit” blows because it’s on repeat] and they are all in the genre of rock/pop. I’m pretty sure I just heard Kanye’s new Christmas song ft some auto-tune wannabe. I’m sorry. I’m about to break something though, I had to vent. It may not sound that bad, but this really fucking sucks) he isn’t going to settle for anything less than what he can be guaranteed to make a winning team out of. Monty Williams is a defensive, team minded coach, and Demps’ is dead set on giving him a bunch of young unselfish guys that could potentially make a strong push come playoff time; a team that would maybe be sort of like how Portland (RIP B-Roy) or the Grizzlies were last year. That could be exciting.

I really think the Hornets will be in a good position this year to make a run, even without CP3, especially if we get anywhere near what Demps is asking for. A shorter season means more legs, and more legs means better defense, and defense wins championships. Obviously I am not predicting that the Hornets will win it all, but I wouldn’t be surprised by a second round push (even without knowing who we will get).

With the publicity that has come with the CP3 drama, he needs to leave in order for basketball to have any chance in Nola. You can feel the animosity towards him developing, and I think regardless of what happens, attendance this year is going to suffer dramatically. Maybe I shouldn’t be making all this predictions, but I really do think, from a strictly basketball standpoint, that the Hornets will be ok, but from a support standpoint, there won’t be enough to keep them in New Orleans for more than 2 more years. We will see.

ALSO, I cannot wait to see where CP goes. How AMAZING would it be if he could play with Blake Griffin. If you don’t want to see that, you hate fun and you shouldn’t watch basketball. The Clips become and instant contender and each week will have a “TOP TEN CP3 to BLAKE of the WEEK.” Remember CP3 to Tyson Chandler… now imagine if Tyson was on steroids and could dunk over (and probably on) a car. I’d watch that.

I know that was a scrambled rant. I Wasn’t really trying for any point in particular here… just thought I’d share my POV on the whole thing while room service cleans my room and I have time to kill.

Oh, and FUCK D-WEST… I never liked that pig anyway.

            I’ve done it. I made a discovery that could impact the way we live for the rest of our existence as human beings. After years of embarrassment, confusion, hilarity, and a little disgust I have finally figured out… (drum roll please)… the Purpose of the Fart.

            I am a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. With every occurrence in this world there is either something to be learned or some point to be understood. Everything that happens has a purpose. Some things are more difficult to understand than others; some have deeper or more hidden meanings. The common “fart”, or “toot”, is one of those happenings that falls into this hidden category.

            Why do we fart? To expel the gas that builds inside our stomachs when food is broken down? That is the scientific explanation. But why does that need to happen? Why does the gas have to form, and why does it need to be expelled? Why does it come out of our butts, and why does it smell? Why does it sound so funny? These are all questions that science has answered at one point or another, but shouldn’t there be a better explanation for the day to day purposes of farting? One that make sense to us on a outer more practical level? Can farts have more of a job beyond what all that science jargon tells us? I think so.

            As we all know, or at least as most guys know, farts are hilarious. Like I said earlier, they sound funny, they often smell terrible, plus they come from butts. You seriously couldn’t write something more hilarious than that. Farts can also make your tummy feel better. However, with all the positives that come from farts, there are also a few negatives. The most important yet overlooked negative is that they are addictive. People overuse farting. Many people fart indiscriminately. They fart too much, in too many places, and for the wrong kinds of audiences. And with this over-usage comes a severe depletion in the level of joy that farts can bring.

            For instance, I have a rare condition that greatly restricts my ability to burp. Honestly I might burp twice a year if I am lucky (when I do it’s always unexpected and usually inappropriate when it happens). It makes drinking soda and beer very uncomfortable. All the carbonation builds up in my tummy and with out a direct exit through my throat, it simply stays in my stomach… until a few hours later when it uses the back door. In other words, I fart a lot.

            In an average situation, when I feel a fart coming there are several tactics I will use. When I am in a group I will sometimes pretend I have a phone call and leave the room or pretend to check out a cool piece of art or a tree or anything that is in a different area from my friends/family. Sometimes, if it is too hard to get away, I will just hold it in (which is quite uncomfortable). When I am in bed, I will fart under the covers and then kick my legs in a bicycling fashion so that smell escapes from the other side of the sheets. I have learned how to handle farting, because I am quite experienced.

            Most of the time, however, I just don’t give a shit (I give a fart… jk). I’ll just let it fly; Crowded bus, museum, airplane, subway, hallway, coffee house, party. It doesn’t matter. I’ll just let ‘er rip. It is always slightly embarrassing when people first smell the fart, then make a face and say “Ew”, and then remove themselves from the affected area. But if you are experienced, and I am, that embarrassment never lasts long. I have gotten very good at pretending like I am also surprised and following suit with the reactions of others. Rarely can anyone pin point a farter, so it’s very easy to get away with. (Quick Tip for those with fart problems: If you cut one loud enough for people to hear [especially if there are members of the opposite sex around around], I recommend looking at the friend next to you and taking a step back while saying “gross”, or “really?”, or “oh my god”, before anyone else has a chance to react. This will cause that person to blush and become embarrassed before they have a chance to defend themselves. They will appear guilty and you will deflect all blame to them.)

            In some relationships, most in particular being with my family, I will let it fly and claim it at the same time. In fact, I often don’t have to claim it (especially the silent ones) because it is only a matter of time before someone goes, “Yeah, I saw her yesterday in the park and she told m- (sniff)… god damnit Richard.” I do it a lot around my family. I would safely say that I abuse farts when I am around my family (although I am sure they would say that they are the ones I am abusing). The effect is that it is not nearly as funny and definitely do not bring any joy. It is still a little satisfying, the feeling I get along with the surprise it evokes (surprises are always nice), but it isn’t enjoyable for everyone present.

            Recently I have gotten better. Maybe it is because I don’t drink carbonated beverages anymore and only a few nights a week do I drink beer, but I have started to fart less. A better explanation is that I have a girlfriend who I really love. In past relationships I have farted a lot, and it didn’t take long into those relationships for the shots to start to ring out frequently. In this relationship, however, one I have been in for well over a year, and one in which I have been living with my girlfriend for the majority of the time, I rarely ever fart. If you asked her, she would say that I am not a big farter… but I am. Besides the occasional accidental fart slip, or huge fart when she is in the other room that she hears because I misjudge how loud I thought it would be, I virtually never fart in front of her.

            … Until today that is. Why today? Because I took a risk. My girlfriend was very upset. She had a rehearsal in 20 minutes for her show this weekend, and a bunch of things had piled up on her plate, which caused her to get a little emotional. It was a situation we’ve all been in, where you are in a bad or upset mood, and pretty much every single thing can bother you. Well, I became one of those little things. I had said something with a tone that pissed her off a bit, and although I knew she was mad at me, I also knew that she didn’t really want to be mad at me.

            I gave her a big cozy hug and asked her the matter, to which she responding, “I don’t know. I am just sad right now. I’m stressed.” That gave me an idea.

            “Is there anything I can do to make you happy?” I asked, almost hoping she would say no.

            “Just hug me and love me”, which I did.

            “Is there anything I might be able to do to make you smile or laugh?” I asked. I felt bad for her, and I didn’t want her to be stressed at her rehearsal.

            Still nearly crying, she kind of just sighed…

            Then, like a modern day Romeo, or clown, or something else that makes people happy, I leaned in a little, squeezed her a bit tighter, and ripped a toot that sounded like a motorcycle starting it’s engine. Immediately she was in stitches. She was laughing so hard she couldn’t speak, which caused me to laugh equally hard. We hugged and kissed, said goodbye, and she laughed her way out the door and to her rehearsal.

            It didn’t take long for me to conclude that my fart had totally changed my sad girlfriend to a smiling girlfriend in a happy state of mind. It was beautiful how it had worked. I immediately made a comparison between that situation and slapping someone who is really freaking out in the face when they need to “GET A GRIP MAN!” She had snapped right out of it.

            Maybe if I farted around her all the time, it would not have had the same affect, but the fact is that I don’t. I don’t abuse farts around my girlfriend. I use them sparingly, and now I use them for a purpose.

            This is how I discovered that, when used (and not abused) appropriately, farts have the ability to physically change a persons’ state of mind; To bring absolute joy to the saddest of people in just the blink of an eye. It really is a beautiful thing. The purpose of the fart is to bring unexpected joy to those who need it. It’s a powerful tool, and when applied appropriately, it can be magical. But use it in moderation, because too many toots takes away from the magic. A fart, as they say, is a terrible thing to waste.